in which I change by not changing at all (sort of)

meta

This year, PNP and the man behind it are looking to make some ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

I started PNP in November of 2022, which seems like eons ago as we sit on the precipice of 2025. I won’t reiterate my writerly history here as I’ve done in interviews and on Notes, but after being Substack featured, posting numerous short stories, and publishing a novel on Substack, I am approaching a Big Subscriber Milestone (it’s not a million—ha ha!). In conjunction with the new year, it feels like a time to reflect on how I got here and where I want to go next with the blog.

It’s difficult not to accidentally conflate comparison with reflection, and at times I am as guilty as others of doing so. I’ve watched as writers I love and respect have zoomed past me in subscriber count, and many more I do not love and respect as well, and it all makes me wonder:

Am I actually a good writer that people enjoy? Or am I a mediocre little shit?

Is my anonymity too abrasive?

What do I actually expect in my subscriber count? And is it what I deserve?

In the end, I realize of course that one of the problems if not the ‘problem’ with my blog is that I write fiction. When you’re a regular Substack seafarer as I am, you’ll recognize that fiction is not exactly what the masses come here for, that—as

S.E. Reid

says—‘fiction is friction’, and that there are numerous cultural reasons why fiction has an uphill battle here.

I thought about starting a new blog, with a new name and a new persona, lightly fictional but presenting as real, writing ostensibly (gasp) non-fiction works. If I didn’t achieve this supposed ‘next level’ I was painting for myself in my mind under this new Substack, it’d prove once and for I was wasting my time and that my writing would only ever be for me and no one else.

It was almost the end of PNP.

But as an astute Substack observer, I also know that the engagement with my work and my subscriber count as an explicitly fiction-only ’stack are quite remarkable.

Not only that, I’d go so far as to estimate I may be one of the most popular fiction/lit-fic writers publishing almost ONLY fiction and fiction-adjacent posts on the platform, and certainly one of the most popular anonymous ones without any following in real life and that has forgone any intensely personal real-life branding.

Not to mention the fact that there are far more talented and inventive writers than me on Substack with less subscribers than I.

Because of all this, I know I must persist. I must not take this for granted. I am grateful. This has surpassed all of my wildest dreams.

There is something here. Something I am doing is working. People ARE connecting with the writing.

So instead, I will continue to be the change I want to see on Substack, and I will change what I am changing by not changing too much at all, in these two ways:

1) I am going to rename PNP (but not rebrand).

2) I am going to write and post more in 2025.

rename

No matter the circumstances of finally getting my fiction out into the world, I always knew I wanted to publish anonymously, and especially under the Clancy Steadwell moniker. Yes, it’s a ‘porn name’ by way of its methodology, but it also just works. It’s playfully ironic and unique, but also bombastically self-serious and writerly sounding. I like it.

When I set out to create and brand my fiction blog, the question in my mind that needed answering was “Who am I?”, because I always learned that YOU are your brand (barf), which was why I was anonymous anyways, so who was I? I was the Porn Name Pseudonym, a delightful little palindromic acronym that lent itself to my real-life mustache.

I never once considered anything else about this name, but that changed once I mystifyingly began acquiring a number of subscribers in the sex industry, then erotica writers, then some straight up porn bots. Meanwhile, others were telling me they couldn’t access my stories at work because they couldn’t input the name to the search bar. Some seemed to think I was a porn star myself.

In a bout of naivety that may be a symptom of either my idiocy or a neurodivergence that I’m sure many have noticed in me on Notes before, I failed to anticipate any of this.

Now, I am not anti-sex, nor am I anti-sex industry (mostly). And I am not (strictly) anti-porn, although my thoughts on that are troubled and nuanced in a way that makes it tough to reconcile with my Substack name. Many may recognize the name’s playful origins, but many do not, let alone appreciate it, and I certainly do not mean for it to be an endorsement of pornography.

Lately I’ve been asking questions of myself as the Substack keeps getting bigger and more real as the Big Subscriber Milestone approaches:

Will I still be writing on this Substack when I have a little kid (which will maybe be soon)? Will I then have to explain to them when they’re older what a ‘porn name’ is?

Although my name is based on a tongue-in-cheek nomenclature and not the industry, the word porn comes with (in most cases, rightfully) negative connotations, and does it deserve to be associated with my work?

Does this name detract from the seriousness of my work, some of which (but not all) supersedes the sort of middle-school humor from which it derives?

If I am going to eventually bring my work into the real world, onto the cover of book jackets and into the minds of friends and relatives as my therapist believes would be the healthy next step, do I really want this to be the name of my blog?

What at first felt like a fun differentiator now feels like a bit of an albatross. For whatever reason, I feel guilty about it.

Therefore, I will be renaming the blog to a different PNP acronym.

Why? Well, mostly, because it’s still PNP! That way, I don’t need to rebrand the whole damn thing!

Plus, the PNP logo and Clancy Steadwell and his mustache have become synonymous with quality fiction (or with...whatever the hell people find it synonymous with). I don’t want to necessarily betray that and start completely fresh. I am, after all, coming up on a Big Subscriber Milestone, so clearly something is working.

Many, especially long-time supporters, will maybe be disappointed with this decision, as I think ‘Porn Name Pseudonym’ represented a sort of iconoclastic slap in the face to certain traditional norms. But I hope those same supporters have come to like and respect my work regardless of the name of my Substack.

To these folks I say: don’t worry. Anonymity will still be a large part of my brand. I will maintain my edge. You will be the OGs who will always know that bit of trivia—PNP’s original name. It will still be that in your hearts.

And I’m keeping the mustache. I like the mustache.

As another concession to these folks and in an attempt not to make another insane naming decision, I would like to recruit PNPers’ help with choosing the next name. Here are a few choices to vote on and get the juices flowing:

• Persona Non Propria (Latin, roughly person not their own. I like the seriousness of it and the Latin will probably attract literary types.)

• Pseudonymous Narrative Phiction (or something else with ph-fiction? Edgy.)

• Pages Not Printed (feels like a good representation of Substack fiction, but a bit paradoxical if I do publish and it doesn’t address my anonymity.)

• Pseudo Nominal Prose (basically what I do/am in three words.)

Leave any other suggestions in the comments. I reserve the right not to name it after the winner of the poll. Just looking for feedback, mostly.

Thank you, as ever, to ALL OF YOU. For everything.

[Bonus task — should I rename finding the lit?]

more

The other thing I want to do in the coming year is post more.

As meteorological winter has come howling in and my SAD has intensified and therefore aggravated my other supposed neurodivergencies, I’ve realized in therapy that writing grounds me like nothing else. It puts me in a flow state akin to meditation that seems to provide all of the same benefits: awareness, emotional regulation, reduced anxiety, etc.

In my Proust Questionnaire with

Remy Bazerque

, I said my motto is: ‘Be a monk of your own religion.’ This was not an off-hand, made up thing. I have an engraving of this motto in my office.

My religion is fiction, and my prayers are writing it. To forgo it would be sacrilege.

I was in the best frame of mind I’d been in for years this past summer when I was writing the big T. I thought I was slaying two dragons with one sword (one dragon being my mental health, the other being a voluminous contribution to my Substack over time), but then I decided to go ahead and release the whole damn thing at once.

Forehead slap.

I’ll get around to sending the chapters out on a schedule. But the end result was that I had a summer of minimal Substack activity despite writing a lot (like, 100k words in three months. A lot.)

And while writing a lot is good, I’ve also realized in therapy that remaining engaged on this one corner of the internet where I’ve found my people is also good. People are good. Feedback is good. The crazy, guttural fear you get when hitting the Publish button—good.

Anyways, I’ve said before that I find it difficult to write without fully qualified inspiration, and this is true. But inspiration doesn’t always come fully qualified. It comes to me often, but usually fleetingly, and it takes a long time for ideas to be fully baked.

I want to snatch at and hold on to these. I want to sit and write and publish. I want to sit down to write as an exercise, as a ritual, even if I don’t have a fully fleshed-out story to tell.

I’ve been afraid in the past of doing so because I think that an increase in quantity will mean a decrease in quality. Not everything you write will be liked as much as what came before it, and that scares me.

Step into fear if you want to grow. Duh.

But what to write, then?

I’d like ya’ll to have some input on this. I have a number of short stories in the bank of all different shapes and sizes that I’ll be trotting out as I get to them. But I also want to embark on a larger (but not novel-sized) serial project that I may not completely finish before beginning to post it. Something I can turn to the blank page with and dive into when there’s nothing in the ole inspo-chamber. Something I just plot with limited narrative arc. Let me know which of these you’d be most interested in reading at PNP:

• A comedic novella about a guy who is trying to recover a plaster mold of his penis from his ex so that his girlfriend will marry him

• A serial dramedy about a group of soccer supporters and players trying to start a semi-professional team in their small city

• A serial about a ‘social engineering’ cybercriminal duo who are trying to reenter society but keep getting mixed up with other criminals and the law

• A novella about a skyscraper incongruously built by a billionaire in his diminutive hometown and the mystery as to why he built it there

...or something else?

And what would you like to see more of in my existing work?:

• More finding the lit (the latest edition.)

• More David and Rachel stories (like bus kids or khakis.)

• More third-person stories (like bluebird or meromictic.)

• More [retros] (the latest retro.)

• More Frank and Ash stories (like karaoke machine or counting alpacas.)

Let me know if you have a particular story that was your favorite from the past year or beyond.

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Thanks for bearing with me on this Substack adventure. This has become a joyous hobby in my life and it’s only possible thanks to you.

Onward.