First of all, you have made me second guess my decision to post a picture of my writing space. I find it funny that I write on the floor with a sign in front of me in Chinese that a man sold to me with the assurance that it meant something along the lines of what he could sense I wanted it to mean. And I don't even remember the fake meaning.
You have touched on something in my own experience and that is helpful for me to remember, and I appreciate that. I have bipolar disorder, and the first time I was manic was in high school (sort of a boy). I did not know I was ill at the time, and locked in a mental characterization of the time as a period when I was ON FIRE and AWESOME. I now understand that that vision is unhelpful and inaccurate, but it is very difficult to shed mental frames formed when your brain itself is still forming. I still struggle to remember that my goal should not be to return to that way of operating.
I am new to Substack and to your writing and appreciate both. I came upon you yesterday and see that you are moving the fiction dialogue along and think its great.
Andrew, thanks for reading. I don't mean to discourage pics from anyone!
but I would consider high school to very much be "boyhood"--maybe I should have touched on that more. we as a society, for some reason, see 16 year old boys as much less innocent than they really are.
i think in order to come to grips with those mental frames, you just need to embrace it. hug that boy.
glad to have you on Substack, I hope your read some of my fiction and find some of the themes I touched on here in this essay reflected.
This is a good reminder that growing doesn't mean disowning yourself. Extremity breeds extremity; perhaps those who pressure themselves the most suffer the most severe backswings into manchildhood. We need a balance between knowing we need to be men and knowing we must at times tend our inner child.
I absolutely adore this but I invite you to explore the complexity of girls returning to their youth.
Much of it has to do with protecting ourselves from the overt sexualization of our personalities, an externalization of the pieces of us that are overlooked in favor of looking at our bodies.
thank you for reading Zani and I appreciate your perspective. I don't disagree at all with that aspect of women returning to youth--I think that's what I meant by "loss of their innocence", although it's obviously far more complex than that.
i hope the doll ends up on your son's bookshelf someday!
Dude, great writing, made me think of a lot of different things… first being, I should have my head examined for having waited for halftime of this Liverpool-Burnley snoozer to read this post. Like your fiction, this one had the smooth, healthy daydream/reminisce quality that’s equal parts relaxing and inspiring. I liked that when I read “mahogany” it was in Ron Burgandy’s voice, as most references to masculinity should be. I mostly enjoyed thinking about how lucky your kid is that you’re aware of all this before he/she arrives. Lotta parents who never figure much of this out. And plenty who do at the expense of their children. You’re gonna be a great dad. Writing with little kids is the ultimate beastmaster of creative time management. Whatever happens, best of luck, and please keep writing.
oof, Matt this means a lot. Thanks so much for reading. I really need these assurances of parenthood. maybe that's why I wrote this essay, assuring myself.
I'll do my best to keep writing. trying to bank stuff for when I simply can't.
Nice piece of writing. Trauma in the midst of the “boy to man” transition forced adaptation that made survival possible. . . But it didn’t translate well into adulthood. I had a tough time growing up that adapted boy. At this point I accept this pathway as key to maturation as a writer. All my maladies difficult to divine as blessing or curse. . . In the beginning.
Such beautiful work. Thank you for sharing it. I’ve been thinking a lot about the addictions you mention here that boys are prone to, and I’ve always found it unfortunate that boys are painted with a broad brush about why they fall into compulsive habits (ie anger, rage, resentment at the rise of feminism). There are so many more reasons guys might develop addictions, and we need to keep the uniqueness of each guy in mind if we’re going to help him. That’s why I love your idea of keeping a bookshelf of boyish things. It’s honest and uniquely you.
thanks for reading Brenden, I appreciate your perspective on it. total agree about the broad brush. we all have our problems, it's important to recall them in boyhood and reapply them to the now. I have my shelf so I never forget.
First of all, you have made me second guess my decision to post a picture of my writing space. I find it funny that I write on the floor with a sign in front of me in Chinese that a man sold to me with the assurance that it meant something along the lines of what he could sense I wanted it to mean. And I don't even remember the fake meaning.
You have touched on something in my own experience and that is helpful for me to remember, and I appreciate that. I have bipolar disorder, and the first time I was manic was in high school (sort of a boy). I did not know I was ill at the time, and locked in a mental characterization of the time as a period when I was ON FIRE and AWESOME. I now understand that that vision is unhelpful and inaccurate, but it is very difficult to shed mental frames formed when your brain itself is still forming. I still struggle to remember that my goal should not be to return to that way of operating.
I am new to Substack and to your writing and appreciate both. I came upon you yesterday and see that you are moving the fiction dialogue along and think its great.
Andrew, thanks for reading. I don't mean to discourage pics from anyone!
but I would consider high school to very much be "boyhood"--maybe I should have touched on that more. we as a society, for some reason, see 16 year old boys as much less innocent than they really are.
i think in order to come to grips with those mental frames, you just need to embrace it. hug that boy.
glad to have you on Substack, I hope your read some of my fiction and find some of the themes I touched on here in this essay reflected.
Beautiful, relatable, brave. You’re a big, brave boy. So, so good.
haha thanks Michael, thanks for reading. i did my best to put on big boy pants here.
Excellent stuff, Clancy. If you’re gonna write non-fic at this level, you’re gonna have people (me) clamoring for more.
thanks for reading and restacking Vinny. doing my best to branch out and stretch the writing abilities. glad it hit with at least some people.
This is a good reminder that growing doesn't mean disowning yourself. Extremity breeds extremity; perhaps those who pressure themselves the most suffer the most severe backswings into manchildhood. We need a balance between knowing we need to be men and knowing we must at times tend our inner child.
this is such a well-stated point I agree with. glad you came away with it with that. thanks for reading Paul.
I absolutely adore this but I invite you to explore the complexity of girls returning to their youth.
Much of it has to do with protecting ourselves from the overt sexualization of our personalities, an externalization of the pieces of us that are overlooked in favor of looking at our bodies.
Everything about this is invaluable.
I've been shopping for a doll for my son.
Thank you so much ❤️🩹
thank you for reading Zani and I appreciate your perspective. I don't disagree at all with that aspect of women returning to youth--I think that's what I meant by "loss of their innocence", although it's obviously far more complex than that.
i hope the doll ends up on your son's bookshelf someday!
Dude, great writing, made me think of a lot of different things… first being, I should have my head examined for having waited for halftime of this Liverpool-Burnley snoozer to read this post. Like your fiction, this one had the smooth, healthy daydream/reminisce quality that’s equal parts relaxing and inspiring. I liked that when I read “mahogany” it was in Ron Burgandy’s voice, as most references to masculinity should be. I mostly enjoyed thinking about how lucky your kid is that you’re aware of all this before he/she arrives. Lotta parents who never figure much of this out. And plenty who do at the expense of their children. You’re gonna be a great dad. Writing with little kids is the ultimate beastmaster of creative time management. Whatever happens, best of luck, and please keep writing.
oof, Matt this means a lot. Thanks so much for reading. I really need these assurances of parenthood. maybe that's why I wrote this essay, assuring myself.
I'll do my best to keep writing. trying to bank stuff for when I simply can't.
Nice piece of writing. Trauma in the midst of the “boy to man” transition forced adaptation that made survival possible. . . But it didn’t translate well into adulthood. I had a tough time growing up that adapted boy. At this point I accept this pathway as key to maturation as a writer. All my maladies difficult to divine as blessing or curse. . . In the beginning.
thanks for reading John. I hope it gave you something to chew on.
I enjoyed this step outside your comfort zone. A lot to relate to for me ... As is usual for any of your writing.
Total man child here...gotta embrace it ha. But anyway, good piece that got me thinking.
thanks for reading, as ever Peter. it's about stepping back and looking at that boy and asking him...what is wrong?
Such beautiful work. Thank you for sharing it. I’ve been thinking a lot about the addictions you mention here that boys are prone to, and I’ve always found it unfortunate that boys are painted with a broad brush about why they fall into compulsive habits (ie anger, rage, resentment at the rise of feminism). There are so many more reasons guys might develop addictions, and we need to keep the uniqueness of each guy in mind if we’re going to help him. That’s why I love your idea of keeping a bookshelf of boyish things. It’s honest and uniquely you.
thanks for reading Brenden, I appreciate your perspective on it. total agree about the broad brush. we all have our problems, it's important to recall them in boyhood and reapply them to the now. I have my shelf so I never forget.