This is a good reminder that growing doesn't mean disowning yourself. Extremity breeds extremity; perhaps those who pressure themselves the most suffer the most severe backswings into manchildhood. We need a balance between knowing we need to be men and knowing we must at times tend our inner child.
First of all, you have made me second guess my decision to post a picture of my writing space. I find it funny that I write on the floor with a sign in front of me in Chinese that a man sold to me with the assurance that it meant something along the lines of what he could sense I wanted it to mean. And I don't even remember the fake meaning.
You have touched on something in my own experience and that is helpful for me to remember, and I appreciate that. I have bipolar disorder, and the first time I was manic was in high school (sort of a boy). I did not know I was ill at the time, and locked in a mental characterization of the time as a period when I was ON FIRE and AWESOME. I now understand that that vision is unhelpful and inaccurate, but it is very difficult to shed mental frames formed when your brain itself is still forming. I still struggle to remember that my goal should not be to return to that way of operating.
I am new to Substack and to your writing and appreciate both. I came upon you yesterday and see that you are moving the fiction dialogue along and think its great.
Andrew, thanks for reading. I don't mean to discourage pics from anyone!
but I would consider high school to very much be "boyhood"--maybe I should have touched on that more. we as a society, for some reason, see 16 year old boys as much less innocent than they really are.
i think in order to come to grips with those mental frames, you just need to embrace it. hug that boy.
glad to have you on Substack, I hope your read some of my fiction and find some of the themes I touched on here in this essay reflected.
Okay, I will proceed with my plan to reveal my coffee table to the world!
So far of your fiction I've read Lemon Scone and Puzzle Pieces. I enjoyed them both and am glad they were the random selections I made because they have such a sharp sensory contrast. Lemon Scone is full of beautiful women and coffee shop smells, and Puzzle Pieces is full of defecation and nursing homes. I probably would have preferred to end with the coffee and pastry, though, so I think I ordered them backwards.
What I found in these stories was a portrait of enforced fecklessness, which I think is an important thing to portray, as the world and the lives we carve out of it so often leave us fighting very small battles, and losing. Neither narrator makes any enormous mistakes or commits any major sins, and for his trouble he gets a lot of moment to moment unpleasantness and "measly" drama.
My favorite part of both stories was probably the run-on where the scone man explains the game he plays re talking to people. He's talking to us, of course, so it's endearing, and probably relatable even to people who are not as anxious.
I admire your writing for its brevity and structure and the small "symbolic" universe it creates. Symbolic is not quite the word I want but you probably know what I mean. Also, and this is no small thing, obviously: both endings are great. The essential goodness and sadness of the coffee shop guy lives in his scone hopes, and I did not see coming the Samson moment at the end of Puzzle Pieces. That was great.
I'm glad to have stumbled upon your work! Looking forward to reading more of it.
Andrew--thank you. it feels incredibly good to get this sort of in depth feedback on my stuff. those are two good ones you picked. I think Puzzle Pieces is one of my most underrated works. the 'symbolic structure' is huge for me, so I take that as a big compliment. i think "enforced fecklessness" is true as well--it's people who have no problems creating problems for themselves, which I think is increasingly what our modern world is as things become more convenient for the average person (at least in the privileged part of the world).
If you like those, I urge you to consider getting my novel, if you can.
thanks again for reading and good luck on your substack journey!
I will get it! I'm glad you knew what I meant by symbolic structure; I wasn't sure that would come across and I didn't want you to think I meant you sounded like a seventh grade poet. I had a lot of symbols in my seventh grade poems.
I would be interested to hear what you think of my own fiction, whenever you have a spare few minutes. I've begun serializing a novel here on substack. I think you can get to it by clicking on my picture, right? I don't want to type out the address if I don't have to because it will turn this comment into a giant billboard for ME!
Dude, great writing, made me think of a lot of different things… first being, I should have my head examined for having waited for halftime of this Liverpool-Burnley snoozer to read this post. Like your fiction, this one had the smooth, healthy daydream/reminisce quality that’s equal parts relaxing and inspiring. I liked that when I read “mahogany” it was in Ron Burgandy’s voice, as most references to masculinity should be. I mostly enjoyed thinking about how lucky your kid is that you’re aware of all this before he/she arrives. Lotta parents who never figure much of this out. And plenty who do at the expense of their children. You’re gonna be a great dad. Writing with little kids is the ultimate beastmaster of creative time management. Whatever happens, best of luck, and please keep writing.
oof, Matt this means a lot. Thanks so much for reading. I really need these assurances of parenthood. maybe that's why I wrote this essay, assuring myself.
I'll do my best to keep writing. trying to bank stuff for when I simply can't.
It seems to be a natural thing for some writers to habitually deal with the locales of their childhood. Alice Munro set most of her stories in a fictionalised Southwest Ontario, which is where she grew up. It's a way of making sense of things - obviously, childhood leaves great impressions on us. In Munro, it's the small town gossip, sexual politics, and sordid goings-on behind closed doors. For you, I would say it's friendships, the complexities of morality, and awkwardnesses in romance. I feel like I understand upstate NY a bit more when I read you.
"How could I have been so disrespectful to women? Why was I such a bully? Why did I deal with losing so poorly? What if I wasn’t such a jerk/baby/weakling?"
This bit really hit me because I'm writing something extremely personal that deals with one really messed up thing I did as an insecure, peer-pressured 13 yr old that involved helping my one friend in school verbally harass and frighten a girl, but I'm hesitant to ever let someone read it because its hard to reconcile with my morals now and people are so unforgiving, especially online, even if your transgression was when you were an ignorant, impulsive, isolated child. I was punished formally for it and I learned a lot about how to be a man through this failure—the child is the father of the man, as Wordsworth said, which applies here to your thoughts as well, I think.
Anyway, because of this bullying and my recognition of its impact, I forced myself to try and mature too early, which creates a divided self between boy and man, and I struggled mightily up into my late twenties with uniting these parts of myself, or rather building myself around my childhood, not apart from it. The latter only made me oscillate towards childhood and cling to it too much at times. I think that's what your shelf is helping you avoid, and I'm glad to see this acknowledgment that the Man-child is usually just a person with a disintegrated psyche, not someone willfully trying to be irresponsible or selfish.
dude i’m so glad you read this and this was your takeaway. “building myself around my childhood, not apart from it”—brilliant and I think sums up what I’m trying to say. thank you for letting me know your thoughts
No problem, I just wanted to let you know the impact this had on me. Glad we are of a similar mind about this topic. I plan on getting my hands on your novel soon, when I have some free cash. If it's anything like this essay I’m sure it’ll be great.
i really appreciate that brandon. love the quote in your bio, I've said something similar sometime, i'd like google where you got that. subscribed! but yeah I think you'd really enjoy it. I know it's expensive for a paperback but i'm selling it myself so I have a lot more overheads. really appreciate it.
Good piece. I feel strongly about men writing openly, not only to spark more male reading—but also to offer a 3D view of men for all to witness. Especially across the spectrum of manhood. All the axes. Men of all ages, men of all occupations, ethnicities, religions, personalities, vices, virtues etc. It's the only way we become whole, collectively embracing and sharing our contradictions.
Feels like in fiction only the poles have been getting attention. Either the MFA neurotic sadboy, or the Bukowski rage baiting clones. Not saying these two can't have merit, but there is a lot more out there that deserves the spotlight.
That's why I love my writing, because it feels fresh and urgent. I bring the energy normally reserved for reggaeton/rap/Hollywood to the writing world. Playboy with a pen. Writing (and living) tender thrillers. Byronic tragedy. It provokes and awakens because my artistic mission is to encourage men and women to be reckless in pursuing connection—to own desire and risk and depth and feel worthy of this natural current. I feel passionately about this, because each successive generation is becoming more detached from romance. I'd rather inspire broken hearts than watch them go untouched.
I really do like your approach. The mustachioed chronicler of Americana boyhood. Suburban masculinity. You're earnest, you're humorous but there's still depth in your undercurrent of wistfulness. It's clear your artistic mission is driven by a clean, true energy is centered in you. Keep it up man 🤙
I absolutely adore this but I invite you to explore the complexity of girls returning to their youth.
Much of it has to do with protecting ourselves from the overt sexualization of our personalities, an externalization of the pieces of us that are overlooked in favor of looking at our bodies.
thank you for reading Zani and I appreciate your perspective. I don't disagree at all with that aspect of women returning to youth--I think that's what I meant by "loss of their innocence", although it's obviously far more complex than that.
i hope the doll ends up on your son's bookshelf someday!
There are way too many menchildren in here(and by "here" I probably mean the US as of now, but not sure) thank you for articulating my thoughts, and at the same time making them-menchildren- more relatable.
At the same time. I see a child in any man. If I can't right away, I just need more time. It's really endearing. And painful. Bittersweet. And can be dangerous, as while I'm looking at a child I miscalculate often.
But I probably wouldn't want to be somebody else either.
Clancy, it's quite alright, I know…but I love being a so called man child. Peter pan and all that…never want to grow up.
But if you've never seen the movie “the tao of Steve.” Check it out. Not completely sure it relates, but maybe … it popped into my head just now.
I think of the man child as a kind of rebel. There's a great scene in the movie…anyways, just check it out. Great flick for the guys to contemplate…funny for the ladies too though.
Such beautiful work. Thank you for sharing it. I’ve been thinking a lot about the addictions you mention here that boys are prone to, and I’ve always found it unfortunate that boys are painted with a broad brush about why they fall into compulsive habits (ie anger, rage, resentment at the rise of feminism). There are so many more reasons guys might develop addictions, and we need to keep the uniqueness of each guy in mind if we’re going to help him. That’s why I love your idea of keeping a bookshelf of boyish things. It’s honest and uniquely you.
thanks for reading Brenden, I appreciate your perspective on it. total agree about the broad brush. we all have our problems, it's important to recall them in boyhood and reapply them to the now. I have my shelf so I never forget.
Boyhood was insane. I remember watching it many years ago thinking, "these actors look remarkably alike," until I googled and found that they filmed it with the same actor over 10 something years. Extraordinary, much like your writing.
Hey, a little Calvin and Hobbes never hurt anybody. I think we all hold onto certain aspects of childhood, whether it be men or women. I think that's a great thing, too. Childhood was so much fun for many of us and we should hold onto that. At the same time, we don't have to still pretend that we're still children and I think most of us don't and now and then an adult will make me question whether they might ever mature but there are worse things. I have definitely held onto some comic books and action figures because they were cool back then and they always will be. Great post, Clancy.
Beautiful, relatable, brave. You’re a big, brave boy. So, so good.
haha thanks Michael, thanks for reading. i did my best to put on big boy pants here.
Well they fit well—love the tone and the writing itself. Was truly a great read after a hard night. Made me not feel so alone.
thank you, i’m so glad
This is a good reminder that growing doesn't mean disowning yourself. Extremity breeds extremity; perhaps those who pressure themselves the most suffer the most severe backswings into manchildhood. We need a balance between knowing we need to be men and knowing we must at times tend our inner child.
this is such a well-stated point I agree with. glad you came away with it with that. thanks for reading Paul.
First of all, you have made me second guess my decision to post a picture of my writing space. I find it funny that I write on the floor with a sign in front of me in Chinese that a man sold to me with the assurance that it meant something along the lines of what he could sense I wanted it to mean. And I don't even remember the fake meaning.
You have touched on something in my own experience and that is helpful for me to remember, and I appreciate that. I have bipolar disorder, and the first time I was manic was in high school (sort of a boy). I did not know I was ill at the time, and locked in a mental characterization of the time as a period when I was ON FIRE and AWESOME. I now understand that that vision is unhelpful and inaccurate, but it is very difficult to shed mental frames formed when your brain itself is still forming. I still struggle to remember that my goal should not be to return to that way of operating.
I am new to Substack and to your writing and appreciate both. I came upon you yesterday and see that you are moving the fiction dialogue along and think its great.
Andrew, thanks for reading. I don't mean to discourage pics from anyone!
but I would consider high school to very much be "boyhood"--maybe I should have touched on that more. we as a society, for some reason, see 16 year old boys as much less innocent than they really are.
i think in order to come to grips with those mental frames, you just need to embrace it. hug that boy.
glad to have you on Substack, I hope your read some of my fiction and find some of the themes I touched on here in this essay reflected.
Okay, I will proceed with my plan to reveal my coffee table to the world!
So far of your fiction I've read Lemon Scone and Puzzle Pieces. I enjoyed them both and am glad they were the random selections I made because they have such a sharp sensory contrast. Lemon Scone is full of beautiful women and coffee shop smells, and Puzzle Pieces is full of defecation and nursing homes. I probably would have preferred to end with the coffee and pastry, though, so I think I ordered them backwards.
What I found in these stories was a portrait of enforced fecklessness, which I think is an important thing to portray, as the world and the lives we carve out of it so often leave us fighting very small battles, and losing. Neither narrator makes any enormous mistakes or commits any major sins, and for his trouble he gets a lot of moment to moment unpleasantness and "measly" drama.
My favorite part of both stories was probably the run-on where the scone man explains the game he plays re talking to people. He's talking to us, of course, so it's endearing, and probably relatable even to people who are not as anxious.
I admire your writing for its brevity and structure and the small "symbolic" universe it creates. Symbolic is not quite the word I want but you probably know what I mean. Also, and this is no small thing, obviously: both endings are great. The essential goodness and sadness of the coffee shop guy lives in his scone hopes, and I did not see coming the Samson moment at the end of Puzzle Pieces. That was great.
I'm glad to have stumbled upon your work! Looking forward to reading more of it.
Andrew--thank you. it feels incredibly good to get this sort of in depth feedback on my stuff. those are two good ones you picked. I think Puzzle Pieces is one of my most underrated works. the 'symbolic structure' is huge for me, so I take that as a big compliment. i think "enforced fecklessness" is true as well--it's people who have no problems creating problems for themselves, which I think is increasingly what our modern world is as things become more convenient for the average person (at least in the privileged part of the world).
If you like those, I urge you to consider getting my novel, if you can.
thanks again for reading and good luck on your substack journey!
I will get it! I'm glad you knew what I meant by symbolic structure; I wasn't sure that would come across and I didn't want you to think I meant you sounded like a seventh grade poet. I had a lot of symbols in my seventh grade poems.
I would be interested to hear what you think of my own fiction, whenever you have a spare few minutes. I've begun serializing a novel here on substack. I think you can get to it by clicking on my picture, right? I don't want to type out the address if I don't have to because it will turn this comment into a giant billboard for ME!
Dude, great writing, made me think of a lot of different things… first being, I should have my head examined for having waited for halftime of this Liverpool-Burnley snoozer to read this post. Like your fiction, this one had the smooth, healthy daydream/reminisce quality that’s equal parts relaxing and inspiring. I liked that when I read “mahogany” it was in Ron Burgandy’s voice, as most references to masculinity should be. I mostly enjoyed thinking about how lucky your kid is that you’re aware of all this before he/she arrives. Lotta parents who never figure much of this out. And plenty who do at the expense of their children. You’re gonna be a great dad. Writing with little kids is the ultimate beastmaster of creative time management. Whatever happens, best of luck, and please keep writing.
oof, Matt this means a lot. Thanks so much for reading. I really need these assurances of parenthood. maybe that's why I wrote this essay, assuring myself.
I'll do my best to keep writing. trying to bank stuff for when I simply can't.
It seems to be a natural thing for some writers to habitually deal with the locales of their childhood. Alice Munro set most of her stories in a fictionalised Southwest Ontario, which is where she grew up. It's a way of making sense of things - obviously, childhood leaves great impressions on us. In Munro, it's the small town gossip, sexual politics, and sordid goings-on behind closed doors. For you, I would say it's friendships, the complexities of morality, and awkwardnesses in romance. I feel like I understand upstate NY a bit more when I read you.
"How could I have been so disrespectful to women? Why was I such a bully? Why did I deal with losing so poorly? What if I wasn’t such a jerk/baby/weakling?"
This bit really hit me because I'm writing something extremely personal that deals with one really messed up thing I did as an insecure, peer-pressured 13 yr old that involved helping my one friend in school verbally harass and frighten a girl, but I'm hesitant to ever let someone read it because its hard to reconcile with my morals now and people are so unforgiving, especially online, even if your transgression was when you were an ignorant, impulsive, isolated child. I was punished formally for it and I learned a lot about how to be a man through this failure—the child is the father of the man, as Wordsworth said, which applies here to your thoughts as well, I think.
Anyway, because of this bullying and my recognition of its impact, I forced myself to try and mature too early, which creates a divided self between boy and man, and I struggled mightily up into my late twenties with uniting these parts of myself, or rather building myself around my childhood, not apart from it. The latter only made me oscillate towards childhood and cling to it too much at times. I think that's what your shelf is helping you avoid, and I'm glad to see this acknowledgment that the Man-child is usually just a person with a disintegrated psyche, not someone willfully trying to be irresponsible or selfish.
dude i’m so glad you read this and this was your takeaway. “building myself around my childhood, not apart from it”—brilliant and I think sums up what I’m trying to say. thank you for letting me know your thoughts
No problem, I just wanted to let you know the impact this had on me. Glad we are of a similar mind about this topic. I plan on getting my hands on your novel soon, when I have some free cash. If it's anything like this essay I’m sure it’ll be great.
i really appreciate that brandon. love the quote in your bio, I've said something similar sometime, i'd like google where you got that. subscribed! but yeah I think you'd really enjoy it. I know it's expensive for a paperback but i'm selling it myself so I have a lot more overheads. really appreciate it.
I get that, no worries. Seems like it's doing well so far, anyway! Thanks for the sub and that quote is from a letter Keats wrote.
Excellent stuff, Clancy. If you’re gonna write non-fic at this level, you’re gonna have people (me) clamoring for more.
thanks for reading and restacking Vinny. doing my best to branch out and stretch the writing abilities. glad it hit with at least some people.
Good piece. I feel strongly about men writing openly, not only to spark more male reading—but also to offer a 3D view of men for all to witness. Especially across the spectrum of manhood. All the axes. Men of all ages, men of all occupations, ethnicities, religions, personalities, vices, virtues etc. It's the only way we become whole, collectively embracing and sharing our contradictions.
Feels like in fiction only the poles have been getting attention. Either the MFA neurotic sadboy, or the Bukowski rage baiting clones. Not saying these two can't have merit, but there is a lot more out there that deserves the spotlight.
That's why I love my writing, because it feels fresh and urgent. I bring the energy normally reserved for reggaeton/rap/Hollywood to the writing world. Playboy with a pen. Writing (and living) tender thrillers. Byronic tragedy. It provokes and awakens because my artistic mission is to encourage men and women to be reckless in pursuing connection—to own desire and risk and depth and feel worthy of this natural current. I feel passionately about this, because each successive generation is becoming more detached from romance. I'd rather inspire broken hearts than watch them go untouched.
I really do like your approach. The mustachioed chronicler of Americana boyhood. Suburban masculinity. You're earnest, you're humorous but there's still depth in your undercurrent of wistfulness. It's clear your artistic mission is driven by a clean, true energy is centered in you. Keep it up man 🤙
I absolutely adore this but I invite you to explore the complexity of girls returning to their youth.
Much of it has to do with protecting ourselves from the overt sexualization of our personalities, an externalization of the pieces of us that are overlooked in favor of looking at our bodies.
Everything about this is invaluable.
I've been shopping for a doll for my son.
Thank you so much ❤️🩹
thank you for reading Zani and I appreciate your perspective. I don't disagree at all with that aspect of women returning to youth--I think that's what I meant by "loss of their innocence", although it's obviously far more complex than that.
i hope the doll ends up on your son's bookshelf someday!
There are way too many menchildren in here(and by "here" I probably mean the US as of now, but not sure) thank you for articulating my thoughts, and at the same time making them-menchildren- more relatable.
At the same time. I see a child in any man. If I can't right away, I just need more time. It's really endearing. And painful. Bittersweet. And can be dangerous, as while I'm looking at a child I miscalculate often.
But I probably wouldn't want to be somebody else either.
Thank you, Clancy
thanks for reading Chen. I value your perspective!
I enjoyed this step outside your comfort zone. A lot to relate to for me ... As is usual for any of your writing.
Total man child here...gotta embrace it ha. But anyway, good piece that got me thinking.
thanks for reading, as ever Peter. it's about stepping back and looking at that boy and asking him...what is wrong?
Clancy, it's quite alright, I know…but I love being a so called man child. Peter pan and all that…never want to grow up.
But if you've never seen the movie “the tao of Steve.” Check it out. Not completely sure it relates, but maybe … it popped into my head just now.
I think of the man child as a kind of rebel. There's a great scene in the movie…anyways, just check it out. Great flick for the guys to contemplate…funny for the ladies too though.
Such beautiful work. Thank you for sharing it. I’ve been thinking a lot about the addictions you mention here that boys are prone to, and I’ve always found it unfortunate that boys are painted with a broad brush about why they fall into compulsive habits (ie anger, rage, resentment at the rise of feminism). There are so many more reasons guys might develop addictions, and we need to keep the uniqueness of each guy in mind if we’re going to help him. That’s why I love your idea of keeping a bookshelf of boyish things. It’s honest and uniquely you.
thanks for reading Brenden, I appreciate your perspective on it. total agree about the broad brush. we all have our problems, it's important to recall them in boyhood and reapply them to the now. I have my shelf so I never forget.
👏
thanks ben
Boyhood was insane. I remember watching it many years ago thinking, "these actors look remarkably alike," until I googled and found that they filmed it with the same actor over 10 something years. Extraordinary, much like your writing.
thank you for reading, Jade. yeah, Boyhood was a good ass movie. if you like that, you'll def like my writing.
Hey, a little Calvin and Hobbes never hurt anybody. I think we all hold onto certain aspects of childhood, whether it be men or women. I think that's a great thing, too. Childhood was so much fun for many of us and we should hold onto that. At the same time, we don't have to still pretend that we're still children and I think most of us don't and now and then an adult will make me question whether they might ever mature but there are worse things. I have definitely held onto some comic books and action figures because they were cool back then and they always will be. Great post, Clancy.
You had me with Joba