It was McDonald's, for me! Got my working papers at fourteen, I think. I worked at the drive thru window and wore a headset and served the rich kids from my highschool whose parents had bought them cars. Middle aged women would curse me out when their orders went wrong or we ran out of Sweet Tea.
I also talked myself out of studying Creative Writing as a college kid because it seemed like it wouldn't lead to a "job." But then got a Bachelor's in English Literature because...THAT seemed like a good, sound idea? Lol. I never even dreamed of pursuing an MFA. I assumed all the writers in those programs were way smarter than me (they probably were!)
Anyway, I enjoyed this read and related to a lot of it - thanks for writing and sharing this.
thanks for reading mary!! yeah very similar takes i have to say. i wouldn’t say the mfa folks are smarter, and i wouldn’t say it was a money issue, it’s more they are from a world i know im not part of…and i could never overcome that. i hope you find/found a way later in life to remove yourself from the importance of work.
Echoing Clancy here! There is nothing wrong with MFAs or similar programs, but the students aren't necessarily smarter. Some are incredibly talented, yes, but practice and experience matter as well, and many of them have more of it. Some also come from a different world, with assumed social and professional knowledge that no one articulates. That really depends on the program though, and even then, you might be surprised by how generous and giving people are.
I myself went for a master's in creative writing, but *only* when it financially made sense to do so, and I enjoyed being with non-traditional students, most working day jobs and taking side classes like me. You don't need an MFA though. Definitely not. Writing and getting reader feedback is what makes you a better writer.
hahaha thanks sara. i didn’t use the word vocation but i should have. you’re right about the difference. haven’t seen you post in a while, hope you’re well
Thanks for sharing this essay. I can relate all too well to the mind-swirling self reflection that unemployment brings in its wake. When someone shares a similar experience… man sometimes that really keeps things betwixt the ditches.
It is hard but I can’t help but feel that, years down the road, I’ll be able to look back and recognize this period in my life as the catalyst for some better version of myself. Maybe this is what the professor in charge of the MFA program meant when he said I hadn’t lived enough at 23 😂
"may not be true, then believe it anyway" -- I suspect the heart of your writing is truer than necessary for anyone else to know, and I hope things improve on your side. The layoffs across various industries right now are awful, and frankly, even if this post were 100% fiction, you hit on a real and painful topic. Likewise, some of your points really resonated with me. I might be very white collar now, but I remember never wondering whether my family would fly somewhere, because the possibility never occurred to me. Flying was something that other people did. Skiing was for rich people. Etc. etc. My childhood was great and materially better than many, so this isn't a complaint. Just saying that your work continues to resonate with me, and once kids are in the mix...oof. That's hard.
Side note: This also made me realize that you have a book out, and how did I not notice that in all these months, enjoying your work?? I'm buying it right now and look forward to enjoying it. Take my small contribution, for whatever it's worth.
thanks janessa, that’s very kind of you. i too had a very good childhood, we didn’t want for much, but we didn’t do a lot of stuff some people consider normal.
I’m sorry to hear about the unplanned unemployment. However long it lasts, I hope you find a spaciousness in it that you wouldn’t have had with your nose to the grindstone at the job. I know that when hard work / achievement becomes your identity, coming untethered from it is disconcerting — to say the least. I’m rooting for Clance, along with all of Steadwell’s buds.
thanks stephanie. it’s hard to look at my kiddo and not know what the future holds. but i can’t regret prioritizing him. hopefully someday soon ill find something but im not hopeful to be honest.
sorry to hear man. like you, I’ve never been precious about work — fulfilling or not, it’s something that has to be done — and once I arrived at the attitude of “work comes and goes” everything else filled in around that. I was unemployed for a few months at the end of last year and it was miserable and harrowing and demoralizing, but I could say the same of many jobs I’ve had. your outlook will push you toward a meaningful life regardless of what happens with work.
What you say about letting something define you, letting it in so deep it provides mass to the little bones of your face hits home man. This is so visceral and nourishing. If this piece of media I've found on the internet is "true" I'm out here wishing you all the best, friend
i think you said it better than me right there, will. thanks for reading. and thanks for the well wishes. it's been tougher than this piece even implies if i'm honest.
Good luck Clancy. While this sucks, hoping you land in a more fulfilling situation. Some very insightful, honest comments about how it’s not at all easy to reconcile what we need to do to survive with going after the life better suited to who we are.
"I finally found a woman who didn’t hate me." Such a wonderful self-deprecation, Clancy. I have never heard a betterone. I would like to use it for the opening line for one of my substack 50-word fictions. Would you allow that? Full credit to you, of course. Let me know.
The very first part of this essay was especially interesting too - how "grocery store" was synonymous with "life" when you were a child. "I was brought into the meat cooler the day I was born." Also a fantastic line, and another opening line for a short work of fiction.
I like reading about people reflecting on their lives but I wish the circumstances were different here! It’s interesting to see a more “real” version of you (it’s all real but in the most rote sense of the word). I hope it all works out. You’re an important part of the ecosystem here but also you owe internet people nothing and should take space if you need it. Gotta take care of the person before the anonymous writer.
I’m sorry about the job, and I wish you all the luck in the world in finding a new one. As for the writing, I know it’s not much, but I really enjoy your work, and I hope you don’t give up on it.
thanks yardena. i’m not sure if i’ll be writing way more or way less. we’ll see i guess. i’m pretty anxious to be honest but kind words from folks like you help
thank you for sharing this. I was unemployed for a few years and struggled with the identity thing. Fortunately for me, my partner stayed the breadwinner. Unlike you, I haven't tried hard enough at writing (not even updating my Substack ha). There's something I read recently about being forced to do something will lead you to places you can never imagine. Maybe this will be that for you. Happy writing.
i hope it does let me write more. but idk. i feel guilty when im not applying to places. no idea what will happen. thanks for reading and relating though Simmy.
Our paths are surprisingly similar (though my first job at the age of 15 was hewing tree trunks for my stepfather, and the last awful band I started died with high school.) I struggled for years, working odd jobs, before finally landing that big tech job as well. Heck of an essay to read on a Sunday; I'm knocking on all the wood in the forest for you, amigo. Hope the interview goes well.
haha did you also get high for every Music In Film class? thanks for reading Cedar… i’m not sure the interview did go well to be honest. not sure what’s next for me.
For me it was booze and Screenwriting class! I’m sorry to hear about the interview. It’s been a really tough season for work for many I know, myself included. I’m pulling for you, man. Once I get some cash sorted I’ll pick up The Big T.
With an interview already booked, I’m betting on you landing a new job soon. I didn’t expect Substack to become a job. I started it because I do (did) contract fintech writing and in 2024 that started to get scarce. Let’s say I spend more time trying to scare up work than getting it. Substack doesn’t reject me (as often) and it’s got that job rhythm I need because I didn’t take airplanes as a kid either. And while I know you’ll get the work, I selfishly hope you’ll still clock in here as well. And if you know anyone who needs a fintech writer, just DM. 😎
i’m much less hopeful about it now than when I wrote this, which sucks. i might be here more, i might be here less, not sure yet. do you write about fintech on here? there’s probably an audience for that for sure
The job market is tough. No question. I don’t write fintech here. I tend to like writing for companies that pay me. My work here leans more financial fiction. Although fintech might be a good idea. Food for thought! Stay hopeful. It does help. What work would be your preference? In case I know someone.
You’ll laugh (or cry) at this, but I signed on with a company called ethos to correct AI content because I’m tech curious. I did make some money and the assignments were interesting for the most part. I learned a bit. But that platform was manically chaotic. Ironic given the client was OpenAI. I’m also signed up with micro1–once you can get through the Zara bot interview (not easy!)—I found their process smoother. It was an interesting experiment. Some of the writing job platforms can be worth signing up with, but the competition is fierce. I am the world’s worst networker—the worst—but that’s the key in this job market.
Excellent essay. Sorry to hear about the job. Seems like that’s the norm these days. It’s possible you’ll find something that allows you to write, a job that doesn’t take up as much of your time. Love your writing voice, C
thanks MK. the voice is my strength—sometimes i struggle to translate that to fiction. it’d be great if i could find a job not so consuming that would let me explore it more. appreciate you reading
It was McDonald's, for me! Got my working papers at fourteen, I think. I worked at the drive thru window and wore a headset and served the rich kids from my highschool whose parents had bought them cars. Middle aged women would curse me out when their orders went wrong or we ran out of Sweet Tea.
I also talked myself out of studying Creative Writing as a college kid because it seemed like it wouldn't lead to a "job." But then got a Bachelor's in English Literature because...THAT seemed like a good, sound idea? Lol. I never even dreamed of pursuing an MFA. I assumed all the writers in those programs were way smarter than me (they probably were!)
Anyway, I enjoyed this read and related to a lot of it - thanks for writing and sharing this.
thanks for reading mary!! yeah very similar takes i have to say. i wouldn’t say the mfa folks are smarter, and i wouldn’t say it was a money issue, it’s more they are from a world i know im not part of…and i could never overcome that. i hope you find/found a way later in life to remove yourself from the importance of work.
Echoing Clancy here! There is nothing wrong with MFAs or similar programs, but the students aren't necessarily smarter. Some are incredibly talented, yes, but practice and experience matter as well, and many of them have more of it. Some also come from a different world, with assumed social and professional knowledge that no one articulates. That really depends on the program though, and even then, you might be surprised by how generous and giving people are.
I myself went for a master's in creative writing, but *only* when it financially made sense to do so, and I enjoyed being with non-traditional students, most working day jobs and taking side classes like me. You don't need an MFA though. Definitely not. Writing and getting reader feedback is what makes you a better writer.
great insight Janessa!
Very much enjoyed the exploration of work, vocation, and identity. Even if not a word of it is true.
hahaha thanks sara. i didn’t use the word vocation but i should have. you’re right about the difference. haven’t seen you post in a while, hope you’re well
Thanks for sharing this essay. I can relate all too well to the mind-swirling self reflection that unemployment brings in its wake. When someone shares a similar experience… man sometimes that really keeps things betwixt the ditches.
glad this accomplished such matt. i think it’s a very masculine struggle to lose your job and everything that comes with it. it is hard
It is hard but I can’t help but feel that, years down the road, I’ll be able to look back and recognize this period in my life as the catalyst for some better version of myself. Maybe this is what the professor in charge of the MFA program meant when he said I hadn’t lived enough at 23 😂
you’re probably right…but it’s hard to see it now
"may not be true, then believe it anyway" -- I suspect the heart of your writing is truer than necessary for anyone else to know, and I hope things improve on your side. The layoffs across various industries right now are awful, and frankly, even if this post were 100% fiction, you hit on a real and painful topic. Likewise, some of your points really resonated with me. I might be very white collar now, but I remember never wondering whether my family would fly somewhere, because the possibility never occurred to me. Flying was something that other people did. Skiing was for rich people. Etc. etc. My childhood was great and materially better than many, so this isn't a complaint. Just saying that your work continues to resonate with me, and once kids are in the mix...oof. That's hard.
Side note: This also made me realize that you have a book out, and how did I not notice that in all these months, enjoying your work?? I'm buying it right now and look forward to enjoying it. Take my small contribution, for whatever it's worth.
thanks janessa, that’s very kind of you. i too had a very good childhood, we didn’t want for much, but we didn’t do a lot of stuff some people consider normal.
i do have a book i published myself
I’m sorry to hear about the unplanned unemployment. However long it lasts, I hope you find a spaciousness in it that you wouldn’t have had with your nose to the grindstone at the job. I know that when hard work / achievement becomes your identity, coming untethered from it is disconcerting — to say the least. I’m rooting for Clance, along with all of Steadwell’s buds.
thanks stephanie. it’s hard to look at my kiddo and not know what the future holds. but i can’t regret prioritizing him. hopefully someday soon ill find something but im not hopeful to be honest.
sorry to hear man. like you, I’ve never been precious about work — fulfilling or not, it’s something that has to be done — and once I arrived at the attitude of “work comes and goes” everything else filled in around that. I was unemployed for a few months at the end of last year and it was miserable and harrowing and demoralizing, but I could say the same of many jobs I’ve had. your outlook will push you toward a meaningful life regardless of what happens with work.
you’re right about that Pete. i’m doing my best, but it’s been hard.
What you say about letting something define you, letting it in so deep it provides mass to the little bones of your face hits home man. This is so visceral and nourishing. If this piece of media I've found on the internet is "true" I'm out here wishing you all the best, friend
i think you said it better than me right there, will. thanks for reading. and thanks for the well wishes. it's been tougher than this piece even implies if i'm honest.
Hang in there man, uncertainty is always an opportunity for reinvention
Good luck Clancy. While this sucks, hoping you land in a more fulfilling situation. Some very insightful, honest comments about how it’s not at all easy to reconcile what we need to do to survive with going after the life better suited to who we are.
thanks deanna. that’s certainly the truth. i’ve tried for a long time to escape work, but now im escaped from it, there’s no where to hide
"I finally found a woman who didn’t hate me." Such a wonderful self-deprecation, Clancy. I have never heard a betterone. I would like to use it for the opening line for one of my substack 50-word fictions. Would you allow that? Full credit to you, of course. Let me know.
The very first part of this essay was especially interesting too - how "grocery store" was synonymous with "life" when you were a child. "I was brought into the meat cooler the day I was born." Also a fantastic line, and another opening line for a short work of fiction.
i definitely allow and encourage it!! and the meat cooler one. all yours! least I could do Sharron. thanks for reading, as ever.
👍🏻 Thanks, Clancy!
I like reading about people reflecting on their lives but I wish the circumstances were different here! It’s interesting to see a more “real” version of you (it’s all real but in the most rote sense of the word). I hope it all works out. You’re an important part of the ecosystem here but also you owe internet people nothing and should take space if you need it. Gotta take care of the person before the anonymous writer.
thanks helen. as i said elsewhere in this thread, i’m not sure if this is going to lead to more substack or less.
I’m sorry about the job, and I wish you all the luck in the world in finding a new one. As for the writing, I know it’s not much, but I really enjoy your work, and I hope you don’t give up on it.
thanks yardena. i’m not sure if i’ll be writing way more or way less. we’ll see i guess. i’m pretty anxious to be honest but kind words from folks like you help
Ah, hell man. This is all very real and true and well said. Good luck, I'm there with ya.
thanks michael. i know you might have gone through a similar thing. i always really related to your fiction. thank you for reading.
thank you for sharing this. I was unemployed for a few years and struggled with the identity thing. Fortunately for me, my partner stayed the breadwinner. Unlike you, I haven't tried hard enough at writing (not even updating my Substack ha). There's something I read recently about being forced to do something will lead you to places you can never imagine. Maybe this will be that for you. Happy writing.
i hope it does let me write more. but idk. i feel guilty when im not applying to places. no idea what will happen. thanks for reading and relating though Simmy.
Our paths are surprisingly similar (though my first job at the age of 15 was hewing tree trunks for my stepfather, and the last awful band I started died with high school.) I struggled for years, working odd jobs, before finally landing that big tech job as well. Heck of an essay to read on a Sunday; I'm knocking on all the wood in the forest for you, amigo. Hope the interview goes well.
haha did you also get high for every Music In Film class? thanks for reading Cedar… i’m not sure the interview did go well to be honest. not sure what’s next for me.
For me it was booze and Screenwriting class! I’m sorry to hear about the interview. It’s been a really tough season for work for many I know, myself included. I’m pulling for you, man. Once I get some cash sorted I’ll pick up The Big T.
With an interview already booked, I’m betting on you landing a new job soon. I didn’t expect Substack to become a job. I started it because I do (did) contract fintech writing and in 2024 that started to get scarce. Let’s say I spend more time trying to scare up work than getting it. Substack doesn’t reject me (as often) and it’s got that job rhythm I need because I didn’t take airplanes as a kid either. And while I know you’ll get the work, I selfishly hope you’ll still clock in here as well. And if you know anyone who needs a fintech writer, just DM. 😎
i’m much less hopeful about it now than when I wrote this, which sucks. i might be here more, i might be here less, not sure yet. do you write about fintech on here? there’s probably an audience for that for sure
The job market is tough. No question. I don’t write fintech here. I tend to like writing for companies that pay me. My work here leans more financial fiction. Although fintech might be a good idea. Food for thought! Stay hopeful. It does help. What work would be your preference? In case I know someone.
you’re too kind deb. but literally anything is what i need now
You’ll laugh (or cry) at this, but I signed on with a company called ethos to correct AI content because I’m tech curious. I did make some money and the assignments were interesting for the most part. I learned a bit. But that platform was manically chaotic. Ironic given the client was OpenAI. I’m also signed up with micro1–once you can get through the Zara bot interview (not easy!)—I found their process smoother. It was an interesting experiment. Some of the writing job platforms can be worth signing up with, but the competition is fierce. I am the world’s worst networker—the worst—but that’s the key in this job market.
you’re right about networking and i am TERRIBLE with that
I’m convinced it’s a writer thing. We’re not built for that. I can do it for other people. For me? Nope.
Excellent essay. Sorry to hear about the job. Seems like that’s the norm these days. It’s possible you’ll find something that allows you to write, a job that doesn’t take up as much of your time. Love your writing voice, C
thanks MK. the voice is my strength—sometimes i struggle to translate that to fiction. it’d be great if i could find a job not so consuming that would let me explore it more. appreciate you reading