Hi, Clancy! I loved this short story, as I love all of your short stories (and novel). I am just a reader, not even an avid reader, more of an I-read-a-little-something-everyday reader. So, unlike others who comment with a writer's insight (it seems to me, anyway), I just know when I like something, and not especially why. In this one, I thought Audrey was going to be the character with S.A.D., so it was a surprise as I read to realize it was the protagonist with S.A.D. Your characters are always interesting and engage the emotions very quickly. I think you are a fantastic writer and hope you write a second novel one day. Looking forward to receiving "The Big T".
thanks for reading, as ever janice, and thanks for your kind praise. you are the rare casual reader/non-writer sort of person who engages with my work (a side-effect of only publishing via substack) so I am so thankful for your readership. in fact, id say you are my primary sort of reader who would enjoy my work the best. i have another novel in the works for next year, hope it doesnt let you down!
The way the narrator’s seasonal affective disorder influences his self perception is pretty realistic. From refusing to move somewhere warmer (ostensibly because he doesn’t “trust” happiness but the fact that he’d have to reevaluate his self image with diminished symptoms is likely also influencing the refusal) to concocting theories about barometric pressure (simultaneously providing an illusion of control because he knows the cause while excusing him from actively managing his symptoms because he can’t control the weather) it’s clear the narrator sees SAD as part of his identity and may believe in depressive realism (the half true idea that depressed people’s self-perceptions are more accurate).
I’d have liked to see a little more about how the narrator’s thoughts change in response to the seasons. He seems like a very cerebral person so I imagine his depression has a strong cognitive element. Winter as a reminder of death is a common depression thought but something more abstract like the way it drives people inside heightening feelings of isolation would work better in my opinion. I’ve also heard of people saying their brain or emotions freeze. The ice cream scene would be good spot reveal to some of the cognitive components. Does he feel like something cold like ice cream is mentally taking him somewhere he doesn’t want to be or is it just the physical sensation of the cold? My guess would be that the ice cream is a reminder of how long winter feels for the narrator. It’s a cruel reminder of the summer he can’t convince himself will come.
The line about believing in “intuition” in science is frustratingly timely with the sentiment arguably becoming part of American culture in my opinion. I like how it intersects with the narrator’s need for a simple explanation for his depression.
As a metal person I have some sort of tangential comments on the scene. “The most blood-curdling of screamo metal” is up there with the time I heard a guy talking about “angry grunge metal” in terms of funny outsider descriptions of the genre. Using death-metal in the context the narrator does is another good indicator that he’s unfamiliar with the culture. I liked the regret about the mosh pit because despite being intimidated by them I think the appeal losing control is pretty obvious to the average person. Part of me wondered what would have happened if Audrey had tried it because she’s more outgoing. Calling the pit a hurricane is a neat way to describe a circle pit to a broader audience. This is a random note but metal mosh pits tend to be push pits so flailing limbs aren’t as common as at a punk show but I don’t think that’s an essential detail and it’s not a hard rule anyway (I don’t consider this a criticism of the story so much as a fun fact).
The line about making love like a bad romance novelist stuck in my head because it feels exact but is also vague. It seems related to his difficulty understanding her enthusiasm.
I like that they do actually try to hangout again when Audrey comes back from Ecuador. I think the inability to hold on to the security the warmer months provide most of us (I’m one of the few winter people) parallels our inability to hold onto some relationships. People go through seasons of sociability and loneliness.
The closing two lines are painful and I thought they were a great way to end the story.
I loved how the narrator longs for "easy", which I'm guessing he sees as stability, when in fact he's mostly the one creating the instability here. Audrey's capability to adapt to seasons and movement seem to frustrate him. In reality, she even laughed at his "worm shit" comment.
It was easy to feel for the characters and I was surprised by your description of S.A.D. - something I've never experienced - so, it's always great to learn something.
Ah! Sorry to hear that. Well, thank you for sharing, through your fiction, your knowledge about it and helping people like me expand their horizons. It's a part that I love about fiction.
You put an amusing spin on one of the many ways in which two humans cannot fit together the jigsaw pieces of their personalities. A friendship with a pal (an alter ego) can bring far less heartache and almost as many warm moments (e.g. shared interest in a team or in playing a sport or in working a job) as some less successful dating relationships provide. An alter ego is by definition a copy of oneself. Can narcissism get any better? (Answer: no) Question to you: why would your narrator not move to a place where the weather would be more to his liking? Is the narrator stuck in a job in upstate New York like Prometheus chained to a rock in the Caucasus? Four stars.
I love how the seasons are a character in the story, sweeping Audrey into your life where you watch her happily embrace change as your mood fluctuates with the tides that take Audrey away. It left me feeling bittersweet and peaceful at the same time.
Really enjoyed this and the barometer effect of moods and seasons. Swept me along. "When we got back to my apartment was when I realized Audrey is the sort of person who makes love like a bad romance writer." Great line!
What can I say? OK, I think I have the same small sinuses as you! So familiar. Except I am Audrey with her drive for perpetual change. I am you when the seasons change. So I combine them. Run when I have to escape. But can't leave behind the moods :-) Thanks for a wonderfully written article. I'd support with a monthly, if I could. Right now, I'm full up.
hey thanks for reading! to inspire anyone to pay for my work is an accomplishment. soon there will be a deal where you can pay 30 bucks for a year long subscription AND get a copy of my novel, if that suits you :)
I got here through a link on the Substack-review post.
Interesting tone - Nabokovian in texture, and playful too, but with a direct underlying meaning about how some view seasons change and how relationships are shaped - and how they are dissolved
I understand now what your story reminded me of. In Milan Kundera’s Unbearable Lightness of Being there is a part which explains why two characters gave up on a romantic relationship, which so titled something like The Dictionary of Misunderstandings between if I remember right Franz and Sabina.
Let me tell you something - the piece he gave an A or A- (as textured and rich in references as it is) - as well as your piece - and I haven’t read others - they all lack one thing that I’m looking for in a short story.
But it’s my personal preference. I might be the only one to look for it. As I said - subjective.
What I’m talking about is an effective ending that reframes, subverts - or reinforces the story, giving its themes strong shape.
For your story - I would add that the narrator gets an enticing life-altering job offer in a seasonally distinct place and now has to again confront the relationship and the SAD. Wouldn’t it give a punchline and reinforce the story? Add a layer of regret?
For the Prague - yes, I get it, the jealousy and academic competition. But I think it could’ve been deeper - what if Leo would be a flop? And the jealousy was over nothing? Or what if Leo has been inspired by the narrator - all while narrator had doubts of his talent? It would add a strong destabilization to the narrative, that this academic thing and artistic work has complex dynamics.
I understand that I basically came and started butchering your writing with my unwanted suggestions - but it just shows that grades are very subjective.
no, i dont so much mind subjective interpretations. it's the rule-breaking (so to speak) in prose that i take issue with. so thank you, i think that's fair. not everyone likes everything, i certainly don't
Fair. I’m always having doubts, where I oscillate between something like “dammit stop with these internalizations, give me that dialogue” and “weeell, maybe it’s authors preference, it’s their story, and it’s executed well, be patient Nick, maybe you’ll learn something one day”.
You're an excellent writer, you executed this very well, and I think you're gonna go far, but it's not my thing. Still interested in your non fiction and opinions and am happy to have made a new writer friend.
Great story! I think we all know people like Audrey, to whom everything is always the best until it morphs into the next thing. Your opening line captures that well. After being delightfully burned enough times, hopefully we start to sense them on the first encounter :) :)
Tons to like about this one. Really enjoyed some of your choices. Love how you only summarized Audrey’s reaction at the farmer’s market instead of going back to scene and her dialogue. There was some pullback in how she was described in the story that paralleled the narrator. Well done on that.
This quote: “My half of gladness was flipped facing up, the arterials and crevices of my body opened by heat and humidity to let as much of life in as possible.” Rings true for me!
Really loved the premise of this and the way it leant itself to the structure. I loved your exploration of how people can come in and out of one another's lives - there's some hope, and sadness in that. Thanks for sharing.
Hi, Clancy! I loved this short story, as I love all of your short stories (and novel). I am just a reader, not even an avid reader, more of an I-read-a-little-something-everyday reader. So, unlike others who comment with a writer's insight (it seems to me, anyway), I just know when I like something, and not especially why. In this one, I thought Audrey was going to be the character with S.A.D., so it was a surprise as I read to realize it was the protagonist with S.A.D. Your characters are always interesting and engage the emotions very quickly. I think you are a fantastic writer and hope you write a second novel one day. Looking forward to receiving "The Big T".
thanks for reading, as ever janice, and thanks for your kind praise. you are the rare casual reader/non-writer sort of person who engages with my work (a side-effect of only publishing via substack) so I am so thankful for your readership. in fact, id say you are my primary sort of reader who would enjoy my work the best. i have another novel in the works for next year, hope it doesnt let you down!
I finally finished a comment.
The way the narrator’s seasonal affective disorder influences his self perception is pretty realistic. From refusing to move somewhere warmer (ostensibly because he doesn’t “trust” happiness but the fact that he’d have to reevaluate his self image with diminished symptoms is likely also influencing the refusal) to concocting theories about barometric pressure (simultaneously providing an illusion of control because he knows the cause while excusing him from actively managing his symptoms because he can’t control the weather) it’s clear the narrator sees SAD as part of his identity and may believe in depressive realism (the half true idea that depressed people’s self-perceptions are more accurate).
I’d have liked to see a little more about how the narrator’s thoughts change in response to the seasons. He seems like a very cerebral person so I imagine his depression has a strong cognitive element. Winter as a reminder of death is a common depression thought but something more abstract like the way it drives people inside heightening feelings of isolation would work better in my opinion. I’ve also heard of people saying their brain or emotions freeze. The ice cream scene would be good spot reveal to some of the cognitive components. Does he feel like something cold like ice cream is mentally taking him somewhere he doesn’t want to be or is it just the physical sensation of the cold? My guess would be that the ice cream is a reminder of how long winter feels for the narrator. It’s a cruel reminder of the summer he can’t convince himself will come.
The line about believing in “intuition” in science is frustratingly timely with the sentiment arguably becoming part of American culture in my opinion. I like how it intersects with the narrator’s need for a simple explanation for his depression.
As a metal person I have some sort of tangential comments on the scene. “The most blood-curdling of screamo metal” is up there with the time I heard a guy talking about “angry grunge metal” in terms of funny outsider descriptions of the genre. Using death-metal in the context the narrator does is another good indicator that he’s unfamiliar with the culture. I liked the regret about the mosh pit because despite being intimidated by them I think the appeal losing control is pretty obvious to the average person. Part of me wondered what would have happened if Audrey had tried it because she’s more outgoing. Calling the pit a hurricane is a neat way to describe a circle pit to a broader audience. This is a random note but metal mosh pits tend to be push pits so flailing limbs aren’t as common as at a punk show but I don’t think that’s an essential detail and it’s not a hard rule anyway (I don’t consider this a criticism of the story so much as a fun fact).
The line about making love like a bad romance novelist stuck in my head because it feels exact but is also vague. It seems related to his difficulty understanding her enthusiasm.
I like that they do actually try to hangout again when Audrey comes back from Ecuador. I think the inability to hold on to the security the warmer months provide most of us (I’m one of the few winter people) parallels our inability to hold onto some relationships. People go through seasons of sociability and loneliness.
The closing two lines are painful and I thought they were a great way to end the story.
Hi Clancy.
I loved how the narrator longs for "easy", which I'm guessing he sees as stability, when in fact he's mostly the one creating the instability here. Audrey's capability to adapt to seasons and movement seem to frustrate him. In reality, she even laughed at his "worm shit" comment.
It was easy to feel for the characters and I was surprised by your description of S.A.D. - something I've never experienced - so, it's always great to learn something.
Thank you for a lovely and enjoyable story.
what a perceptive comment. I suffer from SAD so it's nice to let people know. thanks, as ever, for reading.
Ah! Sorry to hear that. Well, thank you for sharing, through your fiction, your knowledge about it and helping people like me expand their horizons. It's a part that I love about fiction.
Call me romantic, but the relief I felt when she said she met a new man out there was pure bliss.
haha love that take—yes, good for her. thanks for reading leo!
You put an amusing spin on one of the many ways in which two humans cannot fit together the jigsaw pieces of their personalities. A friendship with a pal (an alter ego) can bring far less heartache and almost as many warm moments (e.g. shared interest in a team or in playing a sport or in working a job) as some less successful dating relationships provide. An alter ego is by definition a copy of oneself. Can narcissism get any better? (Answer: no) Question to you: why would your narrator not move to a place where the weather would be more to his liking? Is the narrator stuck in a job in upstate New York like Prometheus chained to a rock in the Caucasus? Four stars.
Thanks for the review Jim! hahah, i think the narrator is "stuck" by their own masochism. they don't deserve their own happiness.
I love how the seasons are a character in the story, sweeping Audrey into your life where you watch her happily embrace change as your mood fluctuates with the tides that take Audrey away. It left me feeling bittersweet and peaceful at the same time.
thank you for reading debra. i like how the seasons are characters too! i’m glad it made you feel those emotions
I’m already sad to see summer go but will be happy when fall arrives. Me and Audrey!
Really enjoyed this and the barometer effect of moods and seasons. Swept me along. "When we got back to my apartment was when I realized Audrey is the sort of person who makes love like a bad romance writer." Great line!
haha thanks wendy! i liked that line too
What can I say? OK, I think I have the same small sinuses as you! So familiar. Except I am Audrey with her drive for perpetual change. I am you when the seasons change. So I combine them. Run when I have to escape. But can't leave behind the moods :-) Thanks for a wonderfully written article. I'd support with a monthly, if I could. Right now, I'm full up.
hey thanks for reading! to inspire anyone to pay for my work is an accomplishment. soon there will be a deal where you can pay 30 bucks for a year long subscription AND get a copy of my novel, if that suits you :)
I got here through a link on the Substack-review post.
Interesting tone - Nabokovian in texture, and playful too, but with a direct underlying meaning about how some view seasons change and how relationships are shaped - and how they are dissolved
thanks for checking it out nick—even though it only got a C grade hahaha
I understand now what your story reminded me of. In Milan Kundera’s Unbearable Lightness of Being there is a part which explains why two characters gave up on a romantic relationship, which so titled something like The Dictionary of Misunderstandings between if I remember right Franz and Sabina.
beautiful, i just read that this past summer so it definitely influenced me!
Grades are subjective.
Let me tell you something - the piece he gave an A or A- (as textured and rich in references as it is) - as well as your piece - and I haven’t read others - they all lack one thing that I’m looking for in a short story.
But it’s my personal preference. I might be the only one to look for it. As I said - subjective.
What I’m talking about is an effective ending that reframes, subverts - or reinforces the story, giving its themes strong shape.
For your story - I would add that the narrator gets an enticing life-altering job offer in a seasonally distinct place and now has to again confront the relationship and the SAD. Wouldn’t it give a punchline and reinforce the story? Add a layer of regret?
For the Prague - yes, I get it, the jealousy and academic competition. But I think it could’ve been deeper - what if Leo would be a flop? And the jealousy was over nothing? Or what if Leo has been inspired by the narrator - all while narrator had doubts of his talent? It would add a strong destabilization to the narrative, that this academic thing and artistic work has complex dynamics.
I understand that I basically came and started butchering your writing with my unwanted suggestions - but it just shows that grades are very subjective.
no, i dont so much mind subjective interpretations. it's the rule-breaking (so to speak) in prose that i take issue with. so thank you, i think that's fair. not everyone likes everything, i certainly don't
What kind of rule breaking would you say is a red flag for you?
anything that makes me not like reading it
Fair. I’m always having doubts, where I oscillate between something like “dammit stop with these internalizations, give me that dialogue” and “weeell, maybe it’s authors preference, it’s their story, and it’s executed well, be patient Nick, maybe you’ll learn something one day”.
You're an excellent writer, you executed this very well, and I think you're gonna go far, but it's not my thing. Still interested in your non fiction and opinions and am happy to have made a new writer friend.
Wonderfully written text! Thank you for sharing. Not possible not to read till the end :-)
Great story! I think we all know people like Audrey, to whom everything is always the best until it morphs into the next thing. Your opening line captures that well. After being delightfully burned enough times, hopefully we start to sense them on the first encounter :) :)
thanks for reading trevor! yeah I think it is somewhat a cautionary tale.
Tons to like about this one. Really enjoyed some of your choices. Love how you only summarized Audrey’s reaction at the farmer’s market instead of going back to scene and her dialogue. There was some pullback in how she was described in the story that paralleled the narrator. Well done on that.
thanks Matt. you’re for sure a very discerning reader so i really appreciate that!
You capture the shifts of romantic / critical / self-questioning feelings so well here!
thank you kate, it’s almost as though i’ve been there, haha! hope all is well
Ha, I hypothesised!
This quote: “My half of gladness was flipped facing up, the arterials and crevices of my body opened by heat and humidity to let as much of life in as possible.” Rings true for me!
thanks katie, i think a lot of people have meteorological moods and it’s not talked about enough!
Really loved the premise of this and the way it leant itself to the structure. I loved your exploration of how people can come in and out of one another's lives - there's some hope, and sadness in that. Thanks for sharing.
they come and go like the seasons -- thanks so much for reading, Cal, and giving fiction on Substack a shot!